It's like I can never get anything right. All we do is fight. & I feel so stupid because I told him i loved him. I practically gave him all the power to hurt me & he sure is hurting me. With out a care in the fucking world. It's like I'm back in this ting with Chris. But it's not Chris, cause it's Umar. He's doing the same shit tho. I feel like I can never win. No matter how hard I try. Now I wish I would of just kept it as a sex thing & I wish I never caught feelings for him because he don't give a fuck. When I was in North Carolina he would text me telling me missed me & everything. We talked on the phone. He told me something that broke my heart in two. & i cried & he said he didn't want to tell me while I was in NC cause he knew it would hurt me & he said he wish he was there to hold me. He was like "MaryAnn please stop crying" I mean what happen to THAT guy. The one who actually gave a fuck about my feelings. I really don't think I can do this anymore. It hurts to much to keep trying.

I hate when he says "It wasn't suppose to be like this!" Well Umar I know that. But it's not like I'm the only who caught feelings. If I recall correctly, YOU CAUGHT FEELINGS TOO!?!

Last night was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo freaking cute =) We were in the kitchen and he picked me up & put me on the counter & hugged me, then we went on the trampoleen & he did back flips & front flips & crazy shit that scared me half to death. But he kept making me laugh, then he tried to make me do back flips but it didn't work very well. He was like lay down & look at the stars with me. It was sooo cute. We laid down & he kissed me & it was sooo cute. OMG. I couldn't ask for anybody more perfect<3

iwishhe'dbewithmetho =(

Ugh. I mean I don't mean to sit here and complain about Umar but some of the things he does just aggravates me. How he got all freaking mad about Fred and me hanging out & now it's a totally different story now that he got this trick Diana.. Like what the fuck? It's alright for you to chill with a bitch but I couldn't chill with a dude? Like seriously? You're really about to play these games? Hmm. I don't think so baby boy. Like I don't want to seem overly jealous (Even though I seriously am!] but like I DON'T WANT TO SHARE HIM. I know he's with me EVERY night so no bitch can break that; but I don't want to be going back & fourth. He's the one who told me that he only wanted me fucking him - but things change when it's dealing with him & another bitch? Nah sweetie, I don't think so. I'm bout to be like you need to choose. Cause I ain't being played. Louie calls me his wifey - pretty much I should be. But Umar can give all these excuses for not being with me - yeah whatever. I'm sick of playing these games. Ugh!

I'm hungry.. But anyways, what else is new? =)

Last night was the most hectic night of my LIFE! Me and Umar fought like there was no tomorrow. He was saying all this shit, how he don't like me, how he's having sex and getting head from other girls, how he was only going to come over when he wants to fuck. So he was leaving and I said "I swear to God Umar if you leave I will never talk to you again." and he said "Fine." so I walked inside and slammed the door and I heard his car and he left. Then I cried. Haha. I told Trisha and then he texted me this:

"And for the record. I didn't fuck nobody. And stop crying to your fuckin friends. But it was nice knowing you. Have a great life."

So I wrote this: "I can't believe this shit. I can't believe you'd do this. I can't believe you're actually acting like this. How the hell do you want me to act. You act like I don't have feelings. You say things that hurt and you don't even care."

So he wrote: "Lol ok. You know how I feel about you. But it went to far and that can't happen. But."

So I replied: "And then you laugh like it's a joke. When you fight with me you make it sound like your serious. In case you haven't noticed I BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SAY. So when you talk like that what am I suppose to do. I don't like when you leave like that but I can't stop you.Why do you do that Umar?"

He said: "You don't have to worry about that anymore. I already told you well you suggested that we should take some time and that's what we're gonna do. And you do what you want, and what I mean by that is you don't have to change the way you act around me. Just cause I said all you think about is sex."

So I said: "So what you want me to stop texting you? How much time do you need? I don't want too."

He said: "Like I'm not gonna worry about what you do with your friends. Who you texting. Who you talking too."

So I said: "Why? That lets me know you have feelings for me. Why are you so afraid to let yourself like me?"

And he answered: "I already told you it's not going to work. Plus I'm moving. So."

I said: "Okay. So that means you can't give it a try. I mean what are you seriously afraid of?"

He answered: "Look Mary I can't explain. Just stop asking."

So I said: "Ugh. FINE."

And he said: "Nite."

So I said: "Good night."

He said: "Lol you miss me na just playing"

I said: "Yea I do. And I'm not playing =)"

He replied: "And I'm sorry for the way I acted. But I guess just hit me up when your ready."

And so I said: "It's okay. I just hate fighting with you. It hurts."

He said: "Um okay well it will stop."

So I said: "Okay. Good night<3"
- "Oh and one more thing. I like when you play around with me I just like fighting."
- "I mean I just don't like fightint. LOL. Sorry."

He said: "You said you didn't now you do?"

I said: "No I ment to say I don't like to fight lol I mest up."

And the last thing he wrote was: "Watevea yo LOL I don't want to stop textuin you but your prob doin a survey or something. So I'll talk to you some other time."

So I guess everything is good between us. I hope so.

I want to punch him right in his face =/ I'm getting soooo tired of this shit. ALL WE DO IS FIGHT. Now he's saying he's not coming over anymore. Yeah I'm sure. I wish he'd just be with me. Freaking punk!

I was thinking about Chris today. Only because I was going threw the box with his shit in it. I washed his shirts and I'm going to send them and his L's and his pen in the mail to him. I'm so over this shit with him. Fuck him. I really can't believe I lost all my feelings for him. I feel like the world just got lifted off my shoulders =). Go me<3

The other night when Umar slept over was soooo different. During the night I could feel him hugging me while I was sleeping. He stayed close to me all night, actually kept his arm around me with out me asking.

I'm mad. That freak just told me No he wasn't coming over. Ew whatever then. UGH!

I can't wait until Christmas Eve. I'm going to punch Amanda right in the face. I'm sooooo excited =)

Chris called me and told me he was coming over. So I let him. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, because now were not even friends. He got mad because I wouldn't have sex with him and I told him about Umar and he pushed me out of his way and got in his car and left. I texted him to grow up and be a man. I told him I couldn't wait around forever for him and I told him he was never going to be with me. Then he called me. He was yelling I couldn't even get a word in.. He was like "You're going to listen to him (because he thinks Umar told me not to talk to him anymore) You act like he's better then me. Blahh blahh blahh..." He said what he had to say and then he hung up on me. I texted him again and said some shit and I remember saying "Now that I'm happy, you want to hurt me." Something like that. He makes me so mad. Why you getting jealous? You told me you didn't have feelings for me? How does it feel to know I'm not always going to be here for you? Stupid ass....

So I told Umar. He was fine that Chris came over. Then he left and came back and then when we were in my room he was looking at my texts and he saw the text me and Chris were writing to each other while we were outside. Chris stayed outside the whole time, but since the text Umar thinks he was inside. So he got up and started walking to the kitchen to leave. We fought in the kitchen he told me he was never going to be with me because look at us now always fighting, hiding us from people, and because he's moving. Then he got in his car said he wasn't answering my phone calls anymore or texts and he wasn't coming over anymore. So I got mad, walked inside slammed the door and then went in my room. I didn't hear his car start so I grabbed the phone and called him and asked him to come in I saw him already standing on the porch. So he came in and he ate and we watched TV and then layed down and went to sleep. I just want things to work out with Umar. I want him to understand that I don't want nothing to do with Chris, I want Umar and only Umar. Ugh. Shits so complicated.

I'm so tired of fighting with Umar. Every time I see him ;; I swear we fight. &+ It's over the STUPIDEST shit, man. I mean, why can't he be or act normal. He makes me crazy. But I still like him. Does that make sense?

Amanda is now trying to take Jessica's men. First she started talking to Meat &+ now she's trying to get with Tiyon. She's soo desperate. Hahaha. She also got Dawn texting &+ calling Umar. Some shit's about to go down man. That's where I draw the damn line. But like I told Jessica who cares if they are trying to get with them cause who does Tiyon come back too? Jessica. &+ where is Umar every single night? Surely not with them, but sleeping in my bed. So who gives a fuck? We know what we got &+ we know nothing can take it from us. Then Amanda wants to hit my myspace saying she don't know why we are fighting. Man fuck that shit. I wrote her back telling her to leave me alone. Bicthes are so fucking corny.

Fuck Amanda. I don't even feel like explaining it. She's just a hoe. Forget her mom, &+ dad. Forget the Ayars PERIOD. I'm so sick &+ tired of them taking Amanda's side just because she's pregnant. I'm sorry she's a hoe. LOL. Aunt Penny had the nerve to call me a "Protective Whore" that's the only reason I'm not pregnant, because I use protection. BITCH PLEASE. I'm not pregnant because I'm not a SLUT like your daughter.. Sorry try again, don't confuse me with your blood.

I'm cold as hell in this house man.

I love my side-kick ♥ Did I mention that yet? Cause I DO =)

In two hours it's Chris's birthday. I'm going to text him at 12:01 &+ wish him a happy birthday. Everything is good between us. We are on good terms. I can call him anytime I want &+ he calls me whenever he feels like talking. I don't call him like crazy like I use too cause I've realized I don't need him to be happy. I'm happy with or without him. I'm just happy me &+ him are friends.

I want Umar to come over tonight. He's been coming every night for a week straight. Since last Saturday. He slept over last Saturday &+ this Saturday. I don't understand my mom. I asked her today why she lets him sleep over, &+ she said because I'm eighteen. I'm like ALRIGHTY then. I'm not going to fight it. LOL.

"Cause I'm falling for you ;; I can't lie<33"