It's like I can never get anything right. All we do is fight. & I feel so stupid because I told him i loved him. I practically gave him all the power to hurt me & he sure is hurting me. With out a care in the fucking world. It's like I'm back in this ting with Chris. But it's not Chris, cause it's Umar. He's doing the same shit tho. I feel like I can never win. No matter how hard I try. Now I wish I would of just kept it as a sex thing & I wish I never caught feelings for him because he don't give a fuck. When I was in North Carolina he would text me telling me missed me & everything. We talked on the phone. He told me something that broke my heart in two. & i cried & he said he didn't want to tell me while I was in NC cause he knew it would hurt me & he said he wish he was there to hold me. He was like "MaryAnn please stop crying" I mean what happen to THAT guy. The one who actually gave a fuck about my feelings. I really don't think I can do this anymore. It hurts to much to keep trying.

I hate when he says "It wasn't suppose to be like this!" Well Umar I know that. But it's not like I'm the only who caught feelings. If I recall correctly, YOU CAUGHT FEELINGS TOO!?!

Last night was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo freaking cute =) We were in the kitchen and he picked me up & put me on the counter & hugged me, then we went on the trampoleen & he did back flips & front flips & crazy shit that scared me half to death. But he kept making me laugh, then he tried to make me do back flips but it didn't work very well. He was like lay down & look at the stars with me. It was sooo cute. We laid down & he kissed me & it was sooo cute. OMG. I couldn't ask for anybody more perfect<3

iwishhe'dbewithmetho =(

Ugh. I mean I don't mean to sit here and complain about Umar but some of the things he does just aggravates me. How he got all freaking mad about Fred and me hanging out & now it's a totally different story now that he got this trick Diana.. Like what the fuck? It's alright for you to chill with a bitch but I couldn't chill with a dude? Like seriously? You're really about to play these games? Hmm. I don't think so baby boy. Like I don't want to seem overly jealous (Even though I seriously am!] but like I DON'T WANT TO SHARE HIM. I know he's with me EVERY night so no bitch can break that; but I don't want to be going back & fourth. He's the one who told me that he only wanted me fucking him - but things change when it's dealing with him & another bitch? Nah sweetie, I don't think so. I'm bout to be like you need to choose. Cause I ain't being played. Louie calls me his wifey - pretty much I should be. But Umar can give all these excuses for not being with me - yeah whatever. I'm sick of playing these games. Ugh!

I'm hungry.. But anyways, what else is new? =)

Last night was the most hectic night of my LIFE! Me and Umar fought like there was no tomorrow. He was saying all this shit, how he don't like me, how he's having sex and getting head from other girls, how he was only going to come over when he wants to fuck. So he was leaving and I said "I swear to God Umar if you leave I will never talk to you again." and he said "Fine." so I walked inside and slammed the door and I heard his car and he left. Then I cried. Haha. I told Trisha and then he texted me this:

"And for the record. I didn't fuck nobody. And stop crying to your fuckin friends. But it was nice knowing you. Have a great life."

So I wrote this: "I can't believe this shit. I can't believe you'd do this. I can't believe you're actually acting like this. How the hell do you want me to act. You act like I don't have feelings. You say things that hurt and you don't even care."

So he wrote: "Lol ok. You know how I feel about you. But it went to far and that can't happen. But."

So I replied: "And then you laugh like it's a joke. When you fight with me you make it sound like your serious. In case you haven't noticed I BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SAY. So when you talk like that what am I suppose to do. I don't like when you leave like that but I can't stop you.Why do you do that Umar?"

He said: "You don't have to worry about that anymore. I already told you well you suggested that we should take some time and that's what we're gonna do. And you do what you want, and what I mean by that is you don't have to change the way you act around me. Just cause I said all you think about is sex."

So I said: "So what you want me to stop texting you? How much time do you need? I don't want too."

He said: "Like I'm not gonna worry about what you do with your friends. Who you texting. Who you talking too."

So I said: "Why? That lets me know you have feelings for me. Why are you so afraid to let yourself like me?"

And he answered: "I already told you it's not going to work. Plus I'm moving. So."

I said: "Okay. So that means you can't give it a try. I mean what are you seriously afraid of?"

He answered: "Look Mary I can't explain. Just stop asking."

So I said: "Ugh. FINE."

And he said: "Nite."

So I said: "Good night."

He said: "Lol you miss me na just playing"

I said: "Yea I do. And I'm not playing =)"

He replied: "And I'm sorry for the way I acted. But I guess just hit me up when your ready."

And so I said: "It's okay. I just hate fighting with you. It hurts."

He said: "Um okay well it will stop."

So I said: "Okay. Good night<3"
- "Oh and one more thing. I like when you play around with me I just like fighting."
- "I mean I just don't like fightint. LOL. Sorry."

He said: "You said you didn't now you do?"

I said: "No I ment to say I don't like to fight lol I mest up."

And the last thing he wrote was: "Watevea yo LOL I don't want to stop textuin you but your prob doin a survey or something. So I'll talk to you some other time."

So I guess everything is good between us. I hope so.

I want to punch him right in his face =/ I'm getting soooo tired of this shit. ALL WE DO IS FIGHT. Now he's saying he's not coming over anymore. Yeah I'm sure. I wish he'd just be with me. Freaking punk!

I was thinking about Chris today. Only because I was going threw the box with his shit in it. I washed his shirts and I'm going to send them and his L's and his pen in the mail to him. I'm so over this shit with him. Fuck him. I really can't believe I lost all my feelings for him. I feel like the world just got lifted off my shoulders =). Go me<3

The other night when Umar slept over was soooo different. During the night I could feel him hugging me while I was sleeping. He stayed close to me all night, actually kept his arm around me with out me asking.

I'm mad. That freak just told me No he wasn't coming over. Ew whatever then. UGH!

I can't wait until Christmas Eve. I'm going to punch Amanda right in the face. I'm sooooo excited =)

Chris called me and told me he was coming over. So I let him. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, because now were not even friends. He got mad because I wouldn't have sex with him and I told him about Umar and he pushed me out of his way and got in his car and left. I texted him to grow up and be a man. I told him I couldn't wait around forever for him and I told him he was never going to be with me. Then he called me. He was yelling I couldn't even get a word in.. He was like "You're going to listen to him (because he thinks Umar told me not to talk to him anymore) You act like he's better then me. Blahh blahh blahh..." He said what he had to say and then he hung up on me. I texted him again and said some shit and I remember saying "Now that I'm happy, you want to hurt me." Something like that. He makes me so mad. Why you getting jealous? You told me you didn't have feelings for me? How does it feel to know I'm not always going to be here for you? Stupid ass....

So I told Umar. He was fine that Chris came over. Then he left and came back and then when we were in my room he was looking at my texts and he saw the text me and Chris were writing to each other while we were outside. Chris stayed outside the whole time, but since the text Umar thinks he was inside. So he got up and started walking to the kitchen to leave. We fought in the kitchen he told me he was never going to be with me because look at us now always fighting, hiding us from people, and because he's moving. Then he got in his car said he wasn't answering my phone calls anymore or texts and he wasn't coming over anymore. So I got mad, walked inside slammed the door and then went in my room. I didn't hear his car start so I grabbed the phone and called him and asked him to come in I saw him already standing on the porch. So he came in and he ate and we watched TV and then layed down and went to sleep. I just want things to work out with Umar. I want him to understand that I don't want nothing to do with Chris, I want Umar and only Umar. Ugh. Shits so complicated.

I'm so tired of fighting with Umar. Every time I see him ;; I swear we fight. &+ It's over the STUPIDEST shit, man. I mean, why can't he be or act normal. He makes me crazy. But I still like him. Does that make sense?

Amanda is now trying to take Jessica's men. First she started talking to Meat &+ now she's trying to get with Tiyon. She's soo desperate. Hahaha. She also got Dawn texting &+ calling Umar. Some shit's about to go down man. That's where I draw the damn line. But like I told Jessica who cares if they are trying to get with them cause who does Tiyon come back too? Jessica. &+ where is Umar every single night? Surely not with them, but sleeping in my bed. So who gives a fuck? We know what we got &+ we know nothing can take it from us. Then Amanda wants to hit my myspace saying she don't know why we are fighting. Man fuck that shit. I wrote her back telling her to leave me alone. Bicthes are so fucking corny.

Fuck Amanda. I don't even feel like explaining it. She's just a hoe. Forget her mom, &+ dad. Forget the Ayars PERIOD. I'm so sick &+ tired of them taking Amanda's side just because she's pregnant. I'm sorry she's a hoe. LOL. Aunt Penny had the nerve to call me a "Protective Whore" that's the only reason I'm not pregnant, because I use protection. BITCH PLEASE. I'm not pregnant because I'm not a SLUT like your daughter.. Sorry try again, don't confuse me with your blood.

I'm cold as hell in this house man.

I love my side-kick ♥ Did I mention that yet? Cause I DO =)

In two hours it's Chris's birthday. I'm going to text him at 12:01 &+ wish him a happy birthday. Everything is good between us. We are on good terms. I can call him anytime I want &+ he calls me whenever he feels like talking. I don't call him like crazy like I use too cause I've realized I don't need him to be happy. I'm happy with or without him. I'm just happy me &+ him are friends.

I want Umar to come over tonight. He's been coming every night for a week straight. Since last Saturday. He slept over last Saturday &+ this Saturday. I don't understand my mom. I asked her today why she lets him sleep over, &+ she said because I'm eighteen. I'm like ALRIGHTY then. I'm not going to fight it. LOL.

"Cause I'm falling for you ;; I can't lie<33"

(FOR MATURE EYES ONLY LOL]
Since I'm on my period I can't have sex =(
I don't give head to a lot of people.
I only gave head to Chris and Umar.
I never let any of nut in my mouth.
Cause I would only do it for like five minutes - tops ten.
Last night I gave Umar head.
&+ Since I made him most of the night and these last couple of days;
I figured I would try to make him nut.
So I did.
In my mouth (Ew].
&+ Then I swallowed it.
He was like "Did you wipe that all on my pants?"
&+ I said "No I swallowed it &+ Whatever was my hand i wiped on your pants."
He said "Aw you swallowed it?"
I guess he was shocked I did. LOL.
But yeah.
So then we went to sleep cause he wouldn't have sex with me because of my period.
I was mad.

I get my sidekick back tonight I'M SO EXCITED!!!!
I'm about to go to the college to bring my books back.
I'm kind of hungry tho =/

I can't do it anymore.
He's not going to be with me.
He would rather be with a lesbian.
And every time I see him it gets harder.
I think I have to tell him I can't do it anymore.

Last night I didn't even try to have sex with him. Crazy? I know right. I just want to be with him. And it's hard. He'd rather be going out with a girl whose been a lesbian her whole life. He'd rather be texting Jessica. He'd rather be doing everything but being with me =( And I can't take it. I can't not be with him. So I don't want to have feelings for him anymore. When I was talking to him and different boys at the same time ;; Oh that's when he liked me, and always missed me, and always texted me and called me. I got over Meat because of Umar. I got over Chris because of Umar. I stopped talking to Fred because of Umar. And now that all three of the are out of the picture, oh now he wants to be like "I think we should stop" I'm always crying. I woke up crying today. nine thirty in the morning and I'm crying. I'm not going to text him today and he wont text me i know it. But I bet he'll text Jessica or Lana. I think maybe I should ask him to come over tonight because he don't have work tomorrow so he could stay a little longer to hear what he has to say. I have to figure out what I'm going to say to him tho. I'll probably say something like this::

"Umar, what would you say if I told you that I couldn't do this anymore? That I didn't want to do this anymore? Sine you want to be with Lana so much there's no point in me standing in the way and slowing you down. I'll just back off now, and keep it that way"

I don't know. Something like that. Ugh. I hate this shit. I'm never falling for another boy as long as I live.

I texted Umar yesterday and asked him to come over after work. So he did. I told him he didn't have to come inside because what I had to say wouldn't take long. But we were out side and he kept complaining he was cold. So we went inside and talked. He was like "Oh I'm talking to this girl; but I'll still drop by to say Hi. Blah Blah Blah" Then he was like I'm not talking to nobody I just want to see how far I can push you. But there is this girl that wants to talk to me and I'm thinking about it. He was saying how he wants to settle down and hang his jersey up and I'm thinking well why can't you settle down with me?!? Then we layed down and I was like I just want things to be to the way they use to be and he was like here and he put his arm around me and he was like this is the way things use to be. I told him I didn't care if we had sex anymore, I just don't want things to change between us. I want them to stay the same. I think if he got a girlfriend, I'd cry. Seriously. He was saying how I changed, I was like well how did I change? He was like you use to be MaryAnn. When you would call me you would talk about the boys who hurt you and I could talk abut the girls I talk to. Now you get mad when I say I hugged a girl. I mean I don't know what he wants me to say. He said he wants to stop because I'm getting to "connected" to him. Yeah whatever. So then after we layed down we fell asleep and he woke up at four thirty eight and he left. I sent him a forward at like seven something while he was at work it said "You're in the car and a song comes on and it reminds you of me. What song is it?" and he wrote me back six thirty this morning and he was like "Falsetto" and then he sent it to me and I wrote back "My little secret or Cuddy Buddy" That's the last time I talked to him. And I plan on not calling him and texting him or asking him to come over. I want to see how long it will take him to realize he wants me LOL. I give him until this weekend. Especially if he gets drunk on Friday. And I hope he does, cause he'd probably come to my house afterwards.

Anyways.

I was cleaning my room yesterday and my phone started ringing and I looked at it and it was Chris. He called me as soon as our minutes were free. He called me at nine and we talked until 11:30. His phone died and I called back but he didn't answer so I left him a message and I was like "Chris I think I lost service, but I'm going to bed so I'll talk to you later. Or you can call me back - it's up to you." And he called back. Then he lost service and he called back and I was like "Chris I'm going to go to bed." And he was like "Why?" so I said "Because I'm sick and tired, and I just want to go to bed" and he was like "Okay" and so we hung up. I like when he calls me. It shows he was thinking about me and he missed me LOL.

But...

I'm going to the O B GYN today. So we'll see what happens. I'll make sure I'll write it in here.

<3

I feel like I just got done with a bad break up. I'm so mad at Umar. Here's his texts to me.

"It's straight, but I was thinking maybe we should chill out a lil."
"We should give i a rest."
"I don't know that's what we have to see." (I asked him is it for good or for a little]
"Because if you think about it. It's almost like we are in a relationship. And when we first started we said just friends wit benefits."
"02/02:type of friends that we are. If we totally stop."
"01/02:Ok. Because if we keep going. Then oneday me or you say oh I got someone else that I'm kind of feeling. Then we change. You know I just want to be the same."
"See I don't want you to feel that way. You can hit me up at anytime. It's just the sex that's gonna stop." (Because I told him I'll talk to him some other time]
"I thought you didn't like me?" (Because I told him it's hard to stop liking someone]
"I kno. You just didn't want to say it. But we went kinda for wit everything."
"We said no liking."
"I don't know lets just give it some time."

Well he wants time. Then he can spend his time with Amanda. I can't believe he's just like the rest of them. I thought he'd be different. He expects me to still text and call and ask him to come over? Uhm no try again. You say "Give it sometime" okay then, i'm not calling or texting or asking you to come over. I'll just be done.

I should of just stuck with Chris. I mean at least I knew what was coming with him. Now I'm alone and hurt. Ugh.

</3

I know I hate it when Umar gets jealous. Now I know how it feels to be jealous. I'm just so mad at myself and Amanda.

Last night Umar texted me and said he was going to come over after a party. So I was like "Alright" I didn't feel like waiting for him so at one I went to bed. I woke up at two and checked my phone and he texted me twice. The first one was sweet asking me what I was doing. The second one he got mad at me because I didn't text him back and he was like "Oh so now your not going to answer, f u I'm going somewhere else...." So I seen he sent that like two minutes before I checked my phone. So I called him and he answered on the first ring. He was so wasted. He was like "Am I still sleeping over?" and I was like "Yeah." I couldn't tell him no because I didn't want him driving drunk. So I was like "When you get here just come through my window." So I heard him coming threw my window and he layed down next to me and put his arm around me and he was like "I missed you." and then he was like "MaryAnn you know you're the only person I'm having sex with. I could have sex with all these other people, but I don't want to. I only want to fuck you." He was like "I'm drawn to you" =) He asked me if I loved him and I was like "What kind of question is that?" I had no answer for him. He told me today he loved me, I know he was joking though. We had sex. It was like the best Lmao. At like five this morning I went into my moms room and told him I let him sleep over because he was drunk and she was okay with that. We woke up and he was like "Did we have sex?" and I was like "Yeah." He was like "Was it good?" and I was like "Yeah." Then my mom, Mikie, and Nick left and We watched a movie and ate break fast. Then we had sex again. But this time we were allowed to be as loud as we wanted because nobody was home =D He got to the house around 2:30 this morning and he left my house at like 4:30-ish pm. That's the longest time I ever spent with him and I loved every second of it. Amanda texted him and he told her he was playing the game with Nick and she bugged out saying I lied to her and that she wasn't talking to me again. And I honestly didn't care. Now him and her went to the movies. And I kept complaining to him about, when Nick asked him to stay I was like "He can't he has to go home and get ready for his DATE with Amanda!" and he was like "It's not a date. And anyways afterwards who am I coming home to?" and I was like "Me!" and I started smiling and he was like "So shut up." I'm just so pissed about it. He was suppose to come around nine tonight. It's eight and he just left to pick Amanda up. So now he isn't coming over at nine. I'm soooo mad. Amanda gets on my nerves. Sometimes I just want to hit her.

I swear if he does anything with her (Kiss her, let her give him head, have sex with her] Anything along them lines, I'm going to be like (When he comes over tonight] "Umar just leave now, and don't talk to me anymore. I told you what it was if you did anything with her. And you did. So leave." and I will be done.

=(

I got a side kick. I'm excited... Any body want to text? LOL.

I am so freaking mad at my mom. She wouldn't pick me up today. So I'm not talking to her. I had to miss the parade that I've been going to since I was a baby, all because she's freaking lazy. So F her.

I can't wait to see Umar tonight. Even though he'll be drunk. I think I'm going to tell him that I can't do this anymore. I've caught to many feelings for him. I don't like the feeling of being jealous. I can't take it. I want to be with him, and since I know that wont happen then we should just stop what we are doing because I can't handle it.

Thirty One Days Until Christmas ♥

Umar was so mad at me last night.. Then we talked everything out. We talked about things that we never talked about. I loved every second of it. I finally got him to tell me that he likes me. We sat and asked each other question, and we had to answer truthfully. I didn't tell him the one thing I wanted to tell him because I forgot. But I'm am going tell him tonight.

Alexis is trying to be friends with Amanda again. I know she'll fall for it. I just know it. She's dumb if she do.

TWO DAYS UNTIL I GET MY CHECK FROM SCHOOL =D

i love it <33

Well Chris called and I was at college. Everybody was telling me not to call him back, but I knew I was going to. I wanted to know what he wanted. He said he was calling to see how I was. He still hasn't changed because he was still trying to tell me what to do. He told me I need a job. I'm like yeah I know. But after that phone call, it made me realize that I don't need him. Yeah we can be friends, but I don't need to depend on him for anything. I can live my life with out him and not caring what he's doing. I lost my feelings for that boy, and I can't believe it finally happened.

Umar texted me last night while he was drunk. He's crazy. I don't even know what to say about that boy. Lol.

Well I'm glad this Saturday I don't have classes, and I'm going to New York soon; I cannot wait =)

Okay so Fred came over on Wednesday and we watched "Rush Hour Three" that movie was super funny. Then he left.

I feel like I'm going crazy. Like I'm falling apart. This shit gets so complicated and I don't know which one to choose. Fred, yeah he's cute - but like I feel like he only wants one thing. I mean I never kissed him, or anything like that; But he still acts like that's all he wants and I don't want that. It's not even close to what I want. I don't even know what I want, but I know it's not sex from him. Umar on the other hand, he comes over every night - and he don't even ask me to have sex with him, when I ask him to have sex with me most of the time he tells me no. Last night he was saying he feels comfortable around me. Lisa Ann told me that the only reason why he's acting like this was because of Fred. Maybe it's true, I don't know.

Last night was one of them nights that I hate. When I think about Chris. I haven't cried over him in the longest time, I mean I've thought about him, but I haven't wanted to cry over him in weeks. But last night I broke down. As soon as Umar left, I mean AS SOON as he left; I just started crying. I thought I was getting over him, I thought it was going to get easier. I haven't called him or texted him for like 22 days. I just can't believe he don't even miss me. But I'm stronger than this and I wont be crying anymore. I'm over him. That I mean. It's just sometimes I miss the old times. But it's the past -

=)

I need to stop making them stupid mistakes with Umar. I need to stop not using one. I just get into the mood [lOl] and then it's on and I can't stop myself. I don't know what I am going to do - Things are getting to complicated and me and Fred aren't even talking like that. I feel like I am going to hurt him, but it isn't even serious like that. I don't know how guys can be players and keep up with all the girls they talk to. Cause I only two and I feel bad when i betray one of them. Which I never betrayed Umar, it's always Fred I'm letting down =( Now I feel bad.

10.28.2008 - The last time I talked to Christopher. Today is 11.18.2008 ; It's been twenty days. He still hasn't called. I guess it's time to really move on. On 11.28.2008 - That's when I know I am seriously done because then it would be a whole entire month, and I am NOT waiting forever for his ass. It's now or never. And I guess he chose never, so I'm done.

Umar wont tell me what he thinks about me. He pisses me off too. lOl. But I know I don't want to loose him. Here's what we wrote to each other.

( Myspace Messages )

But uhm - Today he told me he was with some girls earlier, and I will admit I got jealous. Then he said he was just kidding. This is happening way to fast, I can't keep up with this bull-shit.